Hey you.

I have not laughed like that for the longest time. You know... The kind of laugh that's genuine, that deprives you of all manners; the one that comes from your belly.

I missed that.

And then I look at you and you're laughing the same way. I have to admit, that moment, that exact moment when I looked at you, I realized I was going to spend more years of my life with you.

On Hope and Despair

If there's one thing that I remember from Philosophy class, its how Marcel would turn in his grave upon seeing how I used to interpret hope.

Like most people, I liken hoping to attaining something that I want. "I hope I pass this test," or "I hope the weather's good tomorrow." It can go as shallow as a child's wish to get more presents for Christmas, or an adult's wish to finally land a job. (*ehem*) Either way, my point is, how was I supposed to know that it was more than this?

Fine, now I know better. To hope means more than just getting what I want. To hope means trusting in the world that things will go okay, regardless of whether its how you thought it would be or not. Heck, it's just plain trusting God.

Again, I have to say, like everything else, it's easier said than done. Right now I find myself in a situation wherein I want something really bad. Default me wants to just hope that I get whatever it is that I want, and throw a bitch fit if I don't get it. Post-Ph103 me wants to believe that regardless of whether I get it or not, I'll be okay; that it's for the best.

Honestly, I feel more comfortable with the first option. The post-Ph103 option just feels like a cop out, like something people say just to make us feel better as failures. I feel like I'm going to end up in despair, just like what Marcel warned. But what if that's what's going to make me feel better? Is it really as bad he said it is?

Maybe the measure of a man in despair is not in how he let himself get into that situation. Maybe its how he pulls himself up from that pit. Maybe that's how he finds meaning in himself, eventually rising up as a better person.

Sundays.

Simbang Gabi 2007 at the Church of the Gesu

Today's a Sunday, but instead of having a quiet day with my family, I'm stuck inside my room, trying to keep away from the noise my sister and her friends are making. She again rented this videoke machine for the day, so she and her officemates can have their GA here at home. It's all a big hassle, if you ask me.

Dad's out, working. Yes, even on a Sunday. He's part of the investigating committee of this Qantas Jet that emergency landed in NAIA.

You know what, I miss the Sundays we used to have when I was a kid. It was special, and it really felt like Sundays are for the family. When mom was still here, we used to either go out, or order pizza, then we'd go to mass in the afternoon. And then when she passed away and my sister lived in Cebu, Papa and I would watch movies every week. It didn't matter that the movies were crappy, we just had to go out every week. We'd eat Wendy's Bacon Mushroom Melt inside the movie house, and have Dairy Queen ice cream before we went home.

But perhaps what I miss the most is going to Church services. It may be Catholic, or any other denomination (given our family's history, this isn't surprising), I just miss the feeling of going someplace to worship.

Fine. I've never really been the religious kind. In fact, I abhor having to conform to whatever religion says is right of wrong. I can argue intellectually about why people should not blindly follow what whatever religion says, and I still stand by whatever those arguments are. It's just that my mind may be satisfied with it, but I don't think my soul is. I feel like I'm still missing something.

Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee... -- Confessions, St. Augustine

I don't know. It may just be nostalgia or plain idleness that I'm saying things like these. But nevertheless, it would be nice to feel close to Him again.

Since I already started reminiscing..

...I went and looked for old pictures of me in college.

I'm not being vain, really. (This entry has a point, other than just me wanting to post more pictures of myself.)

This was the person who wrote that essay four years ago. Now that I think about it, maybe I really don't want her back. I don't want the ugly hair, braces, and ugly eyebrows back. Haha, okay, vain reason.

But seriously. It would be nice, but I don't want her back. I know I'm the way I am right now (you know.. cynical and jaded) because I needed to be like this to survive college. My being cynical and jaded was my way of growing up, just like how other people needed to be more trusting or more confident to survive college.

I'm not trying to justify what I've done, or how I spent the last 3 to 4 years of my life. It's just that I'm slowly coming to terms with the thought that maybe, this was necessary for me. Change is constant, yes. But no one really defined what kind of change should happen to define one's coming of age.

As a matter of consequence, this kind of change was what happened to me. I learned that life isn't all about rainbows and butterflies. There are storms and icky insects too, which will, at some point, ruin everything. Therefore, arming yourself better against these things would really be helpful.

However, to say that I totally do not believe in rainbows and butterflies would be a total lie. I know there's still a part of me that believes that everything will turn out right at the end, and that involves some sort of idealism. Let's just say, I've learned to be more guarded about a lot of things.

Flashback

Flashback to four years ago. I was a freshman, hating where I was. I was overwhelmed by everything Ateneo, and everything was a struggle.

I wrote this essay for intact class. My last paper, I think. I was reading my old emails (because I was bored) when I stumbled upon this, and other papers I wrote back in freshman year. Funny how despite the fact that I was struggling (if I remember correctly, I was mocking the whole Ateneo system while writing this), I was also proud of being where I was.

----------------
Maria Leonila Villegas AB SOS Intact 15 October 2004

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the whole semester of Intact, it’s that the Ateneo is very much concerned with the spiritual well being of their students. Though I came from a Catholic high school that also has these kinds of activities, I hold Ateneans in a very high regard because they do practice Ignatian Spirituality and the like in their lives.

In reading the articles by fellow students in the book Growing Roots, Taking Wing, I discovered that I am just like them. I’m currently a freshman overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the world that has been laid out in front of me. I was used to a very sheltered and comfortable life and though I had responsibilities of my own, these responsibilities were not as big as the ones now. Now, it’s just sinking in. As cliché as it may sound, my future really is in my hands.

Being in the Ateneo gives me such mixed emotions. The thought that out of around 10,000 who applied (I’m not even sure about the exact number), only around 1, 200 were accepted, gives me a sense of pride that I am part of the 1, 200. This makes me feel that I really am with the best of the best, the cream of the crop. But for someone like me, who has battled with mediocrity since grade school, I couldn’t help but feel insecure because I know I’m not doing my best. My mentality back in high school used to be “Bahala na, basta pumasa.”, but now, this already seems to be inappropriate. I admit, my goal this year was just to pass freshman year, but this got me thinking. In a place wherein everyone is competitive (at least in my perspective), I shouldn’t just be in the sidelines watching the competition. I should be part of it.

This is why I envy those who are blue-blooded, to the very sense of the word (Ateneo grade school and Ateneo High graduates), because the essence of the word Magis, is already in their systems, thus giving them an edge over us (again, only my opinion). Magis, or doing more than is expected for you and Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam or doing your best for the greater glory of God seems to be the driving force why most Ateneans really do strive to be the best in everything they do. And though I have only been an Atenean for roughly 5 months, I couldn’t help but be inspired by this driving force and by the people who truly apply this in their lives.

Honestly, it wasn’t my decision to study in the Ateneo, it was my dad’s. I personally wanted to study in LaSalle, not because I think it’s better than the Ateneo, but because it is more convenient. I used to think that these two are just the same and it doesn’t matter where I study because I know I’m going to get a job if I graduate from any of these two schools. But now, after almost 5 months of being here, I have come to one conclusion. I know that my dad’s decision to send me to this school is one decision I know I’ll be thankful for in the long run. Also, judging from the stories that my Lasallian friends tell me, there’s a big difference.

It’s such a relief to be in a community wherein everyone cares about you and it’s very inspiring to be with people who do things not for their own success but for God. It’s also very comforting to know that almost everyone is ready to help you. There was one time, I was searching for a book in the library catalog and I didn’t know what RLSC is and where it was. I asked my friend about it and he also didn’t know, but this girl beside me who overheard our conversation readily told me where it was and how to get books from there. In a small way, this truly embodies the Atenean’s being Persons-for-and-with-others principle. But being a person for and with others does not stop there. We should always be ready to answer the call of our society so that we could help make a change somehow.

So far, I haven’t had any bad experiences in the Ateneo and I hope to have none. I am continuously inspired by the people I meet and the things I see here that it would be no surprise that by the end of my stay in the Ateneo, I will have learned to apply Magis in my life.

--------
You know what I miss too? It's that this essay felt so optimistic; like I was ready to take on the world. I wish I could say the same thing right now. I think I can honestly say that the girl who wrote this is not the same as the girl writing this blog entry right now.

Rainy days.

Apart from the hassle of looking for a dry spot in the smoking area of the Starbucks in Rockwell, I'm totally loving the rain. Yes, I'm loving it. I'm loving the thought that because its rainy, it becomes an excuse to become more lethargic than usual.

What I've got they used to call the blues

Nothin' is really wrong

Feelin' like I don't belong

Walkin' around

Some kind of lonely clown

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

(Rainy Days and Mondays -- The Carpenters)

Yes, I care for humanity.

I realize that I've been very selfish lately. While I was in Hong Kong ranting about how Frank (Fengsheng) ruined our plans to go to Disneyland for the day, I forgot about how the people in the Philippines were mourning for the tragedy that just happened.

I was bumming around here in the house after coming home from a job exam when the they showed a video clip on television that was truly disturbing. It was a clip of the divers in the area of the MV Princess of the Stars, and, I saw, floating on the inside of the sunken ship was a leg. It probably belonged to one of the victims of the accident who got trapped inside the vessel before it capsized.

That for me was a really, really sad thought; to know you're seconds away from dying and to know that you can't do anything to save yourself. Like the whole world is just falling on top of your head. (Literally and figuratively) That's exactly the reason why I don't like riding sea vessels -- I feel that if ever I get into an accident there, it'll be a slow, painful death.

I won't get into the details of how that leg looked. You probably have this mental image of how a decaying, wet corpse is supposed to look like anyway. It was only shown for like two seconds but I assure you, that image will be stuck in my mind for the next couple of weeks.

Picture from monstersandcritics.com

How is it possible that Sulpicio Lines still operates after having four major disasters in the past twenty years? One of those four disasters, the sinking of the MV Dona Paz, which killed around four thousand people, is even considered the world's worst maritime accident! (Yeah, I researched.)

One accident is okay. It may just be normal. Two is questionable. Three is unforgivable, and four is just absolutely stupid. After four accidents, I don't think they should even have the gall to even operate again. That's what, around 7,000 lives lost under their care.

I may not know anyone who died there, but as a human being, I'm sorry, I just can't help but get riled up at the stupidity of everything.

One thing's for sure though. My yaya is never going to the province on a ship; especially on a Sulpicio Lines vessel. I'm going to do everything in my power so that she rides an airplane going to Cebu. No more ships.
---------------------

This random thought gets a separate part.

In the midst of all this gloom, some part of me can't help feeling amused at the thought of an upturned ship in the middle of the sea.

Picture from monstersandcritics.com

I don't know why. The image is supposed to be morbid, but somehow, I feel that maybe it would be a nice place to visit. After all, how many upturned ships do you know are stuck in the middle of an ocean?